Posted by Anonymous on 2018/11/30 under Family I don't live with my dad, my parents split 10+ years ago. He and I have never been on bad terms until recently – there may've been times where he's been disappointed in me, but never on bad terms. When I was younger, I always felt that besides my brother, he was the one who understood me the most. Over the years, I began to notice that he understood me less and less. As I grew older, my mental health worsened, my outlook on the world changed, and I found that I was coming to him less and less when I had problems. I'd tried on numerous occasions, but his advice was more fitting for someone like him. A christian. We never clashed on it when I stopped believing, but that just wasn't me anymore. My relationships with those who've grown up with me aren't what he's used to. A lot of my closest friends aren't necessarily people I talk to often, but people who I share a deep connection with regardless. We can go months without talking, and still be ready to help each other if something comes up. We are support lines to each other when we need it, we've known each other for years, it's unconditional. I don't stay on my phone all day, I like to work, to play, to experience life. I'm not the most stable person – I'm doing my best, and I know I could be doing a lot worse. Every time my manic depression made things hard, he would point to the bible. To God. To prayer. That isn't me. My dad isn't like me. He thinks we should talk often, and when I don't call him or see him for a week or two, he thinks that I have a problem with him. I don't. I enjoy spending time with him when I get to, and he knows I prefer socialising in person. He asks me why I don't call; it's because it's not something I think to do since it's not what I'm used to. He doesn't believe me. He asks why I haven't visited him in two weeks; it's because I could only come on the weekends but a lot of the time my job gets in the way. I can't just drop work; there are a lot of people depending on me and if I fail, money is lost and sometimes even jobs. He doesn't believe me. In his eyes, when someone doesn't make contact for a week or two, it means they have a problem with you, or they don't want to talk to you. I've tried to explain that it's not like that. Now, he rationalises it as me thinking I know everything and not needing him. I've told him that's not the case, but he doesn't believe me. Our relationship is strained now. He makes me feel like I've done something wrong, and it worsens my mood. Keeping my mental health in check is the longest job I've had, and whenever he does this, that job gets a little harder. When I try to explain what's inside my head and how it makes me feel, he brings up the bible. He brings up God. That isn't me. We see the world differently, experience it differently. I love him unconditionally, why does it feel as though that sentiment isn't shared? When he tries to analyse my actions through his logic – force his lens over mine, I feel like the rift between us grows a little further apart. I feel as though every time I do see him, things are good again. Then after three weeks, he's not happy with the fact I haven't seen him again. The cycle is tiring, and it makes my constant fight for stability more difficult. All the things posted here are things I've told him on multiple occasions, but he doesn't understand it, doesn't believe it.
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In the face of all that matters,
before a grace misunderstood,
let us gather up our differences
and become a hymn for good.